I’ve worked this piece for the entire quarantine—at least 30 layers of paint, fabric and other up-cycled materials—no kidding.
It’s perfect that I finished it today—as I am trying to wrap my arms around this strange and truly traumatic covid journey.
Once I was fully vaccinated, I felt joyful—relieved.
Yet oddly, when quarantine restrictions began to lift, I felt a sense of imprisonment.
Anxiety. Shell shock. Like I got out of jail, but couldn’t walk through the gate. I found myself wanting to be at home. I felt empty.
In speaking about it, I realized for the past 14 months, I had numbed myself to the horror of the virus in order to keep any sense of hope. In the midst of great stress, you do what you need to do to get through.
But those tricks for getting through—numbing out-- weren’t working for this post quarantine period.
Talking and tears (and of course, painting) have been so helpful in the process of letting myself be more present –allowing myself to feel fully.
Today, my guy shared words from therapist Esther Perel that resonated & that felt so affirming—there is no right or wrong as we navigate our lives post quarantine—I respect that he and I are different (thankfully) and we are there with each other--
So, Ester Perel’s inspiration:
“I frequently drive myself nuts with this chicken or egg question of which comes first—risk or trust.
I think of the Catch-22 posed by trust researcher Rachel Botsman: “Can we take risks without trust? Or is it the act of risk-taking that allows us to develop trust?”
We all need both security and adventure, but some of us can tolerate the lack of security better..and others better tolerate the lack of freedom. Which one is true for you?
One of the important things I’ve learned in my life is that if I wanted to build trust in myself, my career, in the world, or in my partner, I had to take risks—and that didn’t mean being more in control. Rather, what it meant is that I had to be able to accept uncertainty and live with the unknown.
Taking risks is not the same as being reckless. Like I said before, we all need both security AND adventure in this life. It’s okay to stop at the edge of the dock and assess the dark waters below… but it’s just as important to take the leap of faith.”
So here is my painting, Catch ME (JUMP)…started without the awareness of how meaningful the title and sentiment would be. The desire to jump—the need to trust. And getting there with the guy who listens and offers to Catch ME. Taking Risks. Assessing the dark waters—one toe in at a time. But getting there.
We survived this awful year—may you find new joys and may you be patient with yourself and others as we navigate these new adventures. Namaste.